Humor tråd

Här är nåra kula historier, in english:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart for
Valentine's day, but they had not been dating very long.
After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the
past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I
have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing.