Hmmm jag har lite snabbt "gjort om texten", gett forslag bade pa uttryck och grammatik och sa.... Hoppas att det hjalper lite.
/// OMGJORD ///
It was a SLIGHTLY windy but clear summerS night. (//It was dark, black as ink, and// Kanns lite felplacerat. Jag skulle personligen hellre ta bort den delen och borja med ON ) On both sides of the narrow (//little// narrow indikerar redan att vagen var liten) country road stood some old oaks, leaning against the breeze. (NOT A SINGLE PERSON WAS TO BEEN SEEN (kanske skulle vara lite mer beskrivande dar typ IN THE HARSH LANDSCAPE eller nat) //Nobody was outside//) and the (ONE //only//) touchable thing an (ATTENTIVE da huset ar disguised) human eye could have spotted was a house disguised behind the trees. It had a low roof with some torn tiles and a big gapping hole where a window (ONCE HAD//should have//) been. It looked deserted. (//But//) suddenly, a scream (ECHOED THROUGH THE LANDSCAPE eller nat sant //came//) and a teen age girl (CAME RUSHING OUT //rushed out// tank pa att halla berattelsen i samma tidsform) from the building and (A SHORT MOMENT LATER / A SECOND LATER //some short moments//) later a (GUNSHOT WAS HEARD //shot from a revolver took place// TOOK took place later, for mig, helt fel dar) (//But nobody// NOBODY) was there (Vem var det som skot da?). No one (HAD SEEN //saw//) what had happened and as the investigation (BEGAN //started//) there (WERE NO //weren’t any//) witnesses to (QUESTION //examine//) and an arrest (Alltsa hur kan man ha en guilty one nar man inte ens vet vad som har hant?) of the guilty one seemed (DISTANT //an eternity away//). Nobody knew what had happened that day…(Precis vad jag menar – just darfor kanns meningen om arrest lite skum. Vilket brott har begatts?) besides the trees of course.
When officer McBenton arrived to the crime scene in his old “Caddy” he was really tired and (STRUGGLED TO KEEP HIS EYELIDS FROM FALLING DOWN //his eyelids were almost closed//). The sun had just risen. It colored the (ONCE //before//) so (DARK //blue// blue ar mer dagsljusbla) sky, shiny yellow.
(FROM //Fran att han gick in i huset blev han ensam. An battre mening skulle vara: MCBENTON ENTERED THE HOUSE ALONE) the moment McBenton entered the house he was all alone. His colleague had first decided to go with him but (HAD) reconsidered(.) (//and now he stood there// NODVANDIGT? Man vet ju anda inte vem det ar som star dar…kollegan eller McBenton). Everything was (QUIET (!!!) //quite//). He (BEGAN LOOKING AROUND //started to//) (, EXAMINING //investigate//) the building in his professional(//ly) (//careful//) (MANNERS //and smart way//). (//But//) although he searched the whole (HOUSE //thing//) throughout, he didn’t find any(-THING) (traces or marks) (WITH THE EXEPTANCE OF //except by//) a sign on (ONE OF THE) wall(S). It was a big (sign), at least 30 inches in diameter (//, cross//). Something told the officer that (THE SIGN RESPRESENTED SOMETHING BAD //this wasn’t anything good//).
- Hum… that’s weird, he muttered (//for// tror att du ska anvanda “TO” dar istallet) himself, (personligen skulle jag saga – AS HE RETURNED TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD //just before he went outside again//). (IN THE DISTANT //But then//) he heard a strange sound (. //,//) (IT REMINDED HIM //reminding//) of a lawnmower but (LOUDER //this sounded more//) and with higher intensity. McBenton located the sound to a nearby (PIECE/PLOT OF //laying//) forest and (STOOD THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT //tried to figure out//) what it could be. He looked at his watch. (SIX //6//) am. “Still a bit dark”, he thought. “I may (BE TAKING //take//) a big risk if I follow this sound but if I don’t I’ll never find out what it is.”
- Trrrrrrrrr
McBenton (han gar ju fran att inte veta till att plotsligt veta sa ett SUDDENLY) recognized that sound. (Hellre en fraga – “WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE?” HE WONDERED. Foljt av en ny mening. //Now he just had to know what was going on and// HE) started to walk towards (THE //this// SOUND OF THE MACHINE det behover ju inte vara strange langre da han vet vad det ar for typ av maskin enligt egen utsago //“strange noisy machine”// WHICH SEEMED TO BE) located somewhere (IN tycker jag passar bra in har) between the trees. Soon he was out of sight (Hmmm for vem da? Hans kollega? Du har inte namnt att dom foljer honom med blicken eller liknande sa kanske skulle det passa battre med SOON HE FOUND HIMSELF DEEP IN TO THE WOODS bla bla bla). Ten minutes (WENT BY //passed//). Nothing happened. Twenty minutes. Nothing happened. Half an hour (WENT BY //passed//), one hour, two, three… nothing happened (Vad hande med ljudet som han foljde da? Forsvann det? For vem ar det som tiden forsvinner? Ar det for McBenton eller for hans kollega eller vem?). (//But//) then, like a (SUDDEN FLASH OF) lightning through the sky (McBenton //he//) (APPEARED //was back,//.) (??? //running//). If (ONE //you//) (HAD NOT //had’t//) seen his face (ONE COULD //you would//) have thought that he was okay -but he wasn’t. From his eyes (POURED //flowed//) blood and his skull (hellre SEEMED LIKE IT WAS //was//) falling apart (Hur kan man springa nar skallen haller pa att falla isar?).
- Help! Help! He shouted but nobody was there (vad hande med kollegan da?) to hear his desperate screams, the same situation as for the victim before (Dog tjejen som sprang ur huset da? Det har du inte namnt.). McBenton staggered towards a (NEARBY) oak (//in front of him//) for support but (FELL DOWN DEAD JUST OUTSIDE ITS REACH //when he had one meter left to go, he died// ). (//And//) the oak just stood there, leaning against the breeze, like nothing had (EVER) happened. It was standing there (HIDING //with//) two (FRIGHTFUL //big//) secrets that (WOULD BE KEPT HIDDEN FOREVER FROM THE WORLD//nobody ever will find out about//). (//And//) do you know what was carved in the bark of the tree? (???? //Yes, that’s correct,//) a big black cross wrapping around the trunk.
/// /OMGJORD ///
Om du undrar over varfor jag valjer ett visst ord eller utryck istallet for de ord/uttryck som du har anvant, gor om meningar eller nagot annat sa far du garna fraga... :)
