Humortråd

Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked.

She shook her head no again.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

- Vad är det för skillnad mellan en kvinnlig advokat och en pitbullterrier?
- Läppstift.

§e §e §e §e §e §e §e

------

Fyllot hamnar på sittplatsen bredvid en gammal dam.
- Ni är full, mycket full, asfull, muttrar damen.
- Du är ful, mycket ful, asful. Men ja e' nykter imorgon!!

En annan skillnad är att pitbullterriern är en hund och den kvinnliga advokaten en människa.

Erik gillar att förstöra skämt! §e :p

Erik gillar att förstöra skämt!

Märkte det... ;)

- Varför använder kvinnor sig av makeup och parfym?
- För att dom är fula och luktar illa.

Av någon anledning uppskattas detta skämt inte alltid...

Av någon anledning uppskattas detta skämt inte alltid

Det förstås jag...

Uppskatta det som uppskattas bör §e §e §e

:e :e

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’ "

Bendro> Redan efter första stycket visste man vart det höll på att ta vägen :)

Gnällspik :e
Är den här bättre då? Ser fram emot ditt bidrag till tråden ;)

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

den tänker jag inte ens kommentera ;)

The blind daters had really hit it off. At the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me if you have any special fetishes that I should know about."

"As a matter of fact," said the girl, "I happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for seven or eight inches."

härliga historier :e

:e

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here. I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, my farts still don't make any noises, but they smell awful."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

En gammal man gifter sig med en yngre kvinna och trots att de är jättekära
i varandra så kan inte kvinnan få orgasm när de älskar.

De går till en psykolog för att få hjälp och får rådet att hyra in en ung,
snygg man som ska vifta en handduk över dem medan de har sex.

Paret tycker att det låter lite märkligt, men eftersom de är desperata gör
de som psykologen har föreslagit.
Men trots de nya försöken med den handduksviftande mannen i högsta hugg så
går det i alla fall inte för kvinnan.

Desperata att nå resultat byter den äldre mannen och handdukskillen plats.
Kvinnan och den yngre mannen sätter igång omedelbart får hon en jätteorgasm.

Hennes man tittar på den yngre killen med ett leende och säger:
"Där ser du grabben, så ska en handduk viftas."